Heaven on the Eyes (Hell on the Heart)
by ArwenLalaith
Summary: "You were right about something, you know!" Derek shouted, jogging after Emily as she quietly slipped away from the party and their friends. "I do think you should stay!"


"You were right about something, you know!" Derek shouted, jogging after Emily as she quietly slipped away from the party and their friends. Wordlessly and forlorn, just like last time.

She turned slowly and if he hadn't known her quite as well as he did, he might have missed the way she bristled slightly. "Yeah? What's that?" she asked with a hint of trepidation.

"I _do_ think you should stay!"

"Excuse me?" She seemed genuinely surprised that he'd had the balls to say it, though not that he thought it.

"You think whatever's eating at you is just going to magically disappear because you move halfway around the world? You think you're going to find somewhere you belong in London? If you don't feel like you're home here, with us, what makes you think you're going to feel it when you're all alone?"

She huffed out a breath through her nose, a little like a bull ready to charge. "It's none of your business where I go or why. And we are _not_ discussing this here and ruining JJ's beautiful night." Her voice was deadly calm, not wavering even slightly.

"Sure, Emily, just run away!" he snapped, angry and bitter, "Like that will make things all better!"

Emily turned on her heel and marched off.

When he showed up at her door a few hours later, she was neither surprised nor amused. This is not how she'd wanted the conversation to go and while perhaps it wasn't the best idea to spring it on him in the middle of the wedding, it wasn't his place to be angry about the decision.

Answering the door, she crossed her arms over her chest and levelled him with her most displeased look. "Are you ready to talk to me like an adult?" she asked, emphasizing the _adult_.

"Are you ready to _talk_?" he retorted smartly.

"If by talk you actually mean talk and not you yelling at me, then yes."

He inhaled a calming breath and looked at her for a few long moments. "So, why do you want to leave? You just came back..."

"I came back a year ago," she corrected. "I just can't stay here anymore."

"Because you don't feel at home? How will that change when you move to London?"

"I've done it dozens of times before," she replied, not liking the way he was talking to her like she was five. "I think I'm getting pretty good at it."

"You didn't answer my question." He could sense her getting defensive and knew when that happened she would close herself off and he'd lose his chance at getting any answers. "Will you feel like you're at home when you're in London?"

"I'm not there yet, so how would I know?" She was trying to deflect with a joke, but there wasn't much humor in it.

"Fair enough," he conceded. "But would it help it I said I want you to stay?"

She had desperately hoped he wouldn't play that card because he was the one person who she might've been willing to change her mind for. "Of course you're going to say that!" she snapped, surprising even herself, "But I can't stay here just for you."

"Why not?" he was on the verge of pleading.

"I can't put my life on hold just because you ask me to..."

"I'm not asking you to put your life on hold, I'm asking you to stay here in D.C. Join another department, change jobs altogether if you have to...just _stay_."

"I've tried other jobs, other departments – I've spent my whole life working towards the BAU and it just isn't somewhere I can stay anymore."

"Then why did you come back if you were just going to leave again?" Hurt was bleeding into anger now and he lashed out at her.

"I didn't have a choice! First it was Declan and then things just kept piling on top and there was no time to step back and breathe. And I didn't have another job back then...what Clyde has offered me, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity."

"Then I guess we're done here."

"Just like that?" It was her turn to be hurt and therefore angry. "You don't get your way, so you just storm off? You're not going to say anything?"

"Emily, what more do you want me to say? I've begged you to stay, but you don't want to...so tell me, what should I say!?"

"You haven't given me a single reason to stay! You could at least pretend to be happy for me..."

"How can I pretend to be happy when the woman I love is moving halfway across the world just because some sleazy ex-colleague of hers asked her to!?"

Emily caught a breath on the inhale and choked on it for a moment or two. "Excuse me?"

"I shouldn't have said that," he backtracked, "I'm sorry. I should go."

"You're not leaving until you explain yourself."

"It doesn't matter," he insisted, shaking his head. "Pretend I never said anything."

"What the hell, Derek! You want to give me a reason to stay, but you won't tell me what it is? Make up your mind. I'm done playing games."

"What do you want me to say? Nothing is going to change your mind."

"I want you to tell me the truth!" she was practically shouting now, voice desperate and ragged. She shouldn't have had that last glass of champagne.

"I don't want you to go because I love you!" he shouted right back. "I don't want the woman I love to be halfway around the world! I don't want to lose you again..."

"What do you know about love, Morgan?" She didn't know why she was responding so coldly and she wasn't entirely proud of how she'd reacted once she'd said it, but was too proud and tipsy to take it back.

"I grew up watching my parents, I think I know everything I need to know about love." For his part, he seemed to understand perfectly the motives behind her words, even if she didn't.

"How can you possibly know love when the only thing you've ever given yourself a chance to love is sex?"

"You're right, I've never been in a serious relationship, but it's not because I didn't want one, it's because I never found the right person. But whatever I say right now isn't going to matter because it's not going to be reason enough for you to stay."

"I leave for London in a week... If you had really wanted me to stay that badly, you wouldn't have waited until the last damn minute to keep me here."

"How was I supposed to know you were going to leave? I thought I had time!"

"So, you only love me because I'm leaving?" she challenged.

"Damn it, Emily! Stop twisting my words!"

"Then tell me what you really mean!"

"I love you! I've always loved you!"

"You're asking me to give up a job as the head of an elite CIA division based on the feelings of a man whose longest relationships last until morning..."

"Yes," he insisted, "I'm asking you to give me a _chance_."

"You had six years of chances..."

"I know," he murmured, shutting his eyes, unable to look into her eyes any longer as she crushed any hope he may have had that she returned his feeligns.

"Then why now? Why should I put my life on hold just because you ask?"

"I didn't know how to break it to you before. I was worried that it would make things awkward between us, but now I have nothing to lose."

"Well, that's not enough for me to stay."

"So, you're still going to London..."

"I don't really have a choice."

"I guess I should leave then."

"Maybe you should." This hadn't gone the way she'd hoped at all, but she had too much pride to back down from the corner she'd gotten herself in.

"Have a safe trip then." He shrugged. "I don't think I can say goodbye, I can't go through that again."

"After six years, this is your goodbye?"

"I don't know what else to say. If I try, I'm just going to end up asking you to stay again and you're just going to say you have to leave."

"Maybe things could've been different," she offered, "If you hadn't waited so long."

"Would it?" he asked doubtfully.

"I guess we'll never know."

"I guess. Maybe it's better this way."

"Maybe it is..."

...

With a sigh, Emily leaned against the door frame, fixing Derek with a considering stare. "If you're here to try to change my mind, you might as well just leave," she told him flatly.

"I'm here to help you pack," he replied, raising a brow in a way that could've meant about six different things.

"I leave tomorrow. Everything I need has already been packed." She knew that he knew exactly when she was leaving and that she wouldn't have left packing to the last minute.

"I guess I should go then..." The tone he said it with was more fishing for an excuse than awkward.

Giving into his unspoken suggestion, she stopped him. "Or you could tell me why you're really here."

"I just came to spend some time with you before you go. I don't want you to leave with us not in a good place."

She stepped back to let him into the apartment. "What did you have in mind?"

"Dinner?" he offered with a shrug. "That little waiter at the burger joint down the block with a crush on you has been asking about you..."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Why don't we order in? I don't feel like putting on a bra."

An awkward silence had descended on them in the time it took for the food to arrive and was firmly entrenched as they sat eating, except for Sergio who was dramatically yowling his displeasure at the chaos in the apartment.

With a sigh, Derek set his food down on the coffee table and turned his body so that he could study Emily's face which was determinedly avoiding eye contact. "Emily, if what I said that night... You can pretend it never happened."

"Which part?" she asked, raising a brow as she finally met his gaze. "The part where you asked me to stay or the part where you said you love me?"

"Both."

"Then why did you say it?"

"I thought maybe it would be enough to keep you here. But I should've known better...that how I feel about you won't change your mind."

"You make me sound like a heartless bitch," she scoffed.

"That's not what I meant," he shook his head. "I thought you felt the same way about me, but it turns out you only see me as a friend."

"You never asked me how I felt," she pointed out quietly.

"I was afraid to hear your answer."

"So, instead you just decided my answer for me, yelled at me in the middle of JJ's wedding, then stormed off angry at me?"

"I admit, I was wrong to yell at you in the middle of the wedding, but you tried to run away...I was afraid of losing you."

"I wasn't running," she argued, "I had to leave and I didn't think anyone would notice. They were all so happy and I was just sort of...on the outside."

"You were never on the outside," he insisted vehemently.

"I know you believe that," she said softly, "But it's been a long time since I felt like I belonged."

"You were always a part of us. I don't know how you could ever feel like you were on the outside."

"Can we just not talk about this?" she asked, returning to not looking at him, "It's not going to change my decision."

Derek returned to his food, but it was clear that he was trying to think of a new way to broach the subject. "What time do you have to be at the airport tomorrow?"

"Plane leaves at two, but I have to be there a few hours early. And it'll probably take me a few hours to convince Sergio to get into his crate."

"I'll take you to the airport."

"That's a long way to go for a long goodbye," she said hesitantly.

"I can't let you go to the airport alone," he shrugged as if it were obvious.

"I appreciate it, but you really don't have to."

"I want to. It's the least a friend can do. We are still friends, right?"

"Of course we're friends." She reached over to grasp his hand, smiling faintly without it reaching her eyes. "The best." He returned her sad half-smile and squeezed her hand back. "I'm going to miss this, you know," she said after a few silent moments of clasped hands and sad smiles. "I'm not going to have anyone I can call late at night and know they'll be there, no questions asked."

"You can still call."

She shook her head. "It won't be the same. It won't be...this. I'm not even sure what _this_ is, but I know it won't survive the distance."

"Emily, it will survive the distance." His eyes blazed intensely. "We've been through so much. This distance is nothing compared to what we have."

"What exactly do we have, Derek?" she challenged.

"Six years." His eyes and his voice were intense. "I have been with you for every hospital visit; you did the same for me. I spent more time with you than my own family. I carried you fucking _coffin_ , Emily, and we survived that."

"I don't know if I'd call this surviving..." Her voice was quiet, like she half-hoped he wouldn't hear.

"Hey," he whispered, gently lifting her chin so she was forced to look at him. "I would love to tell you that you don't have to go, but I know you won't change your mind, so I'm gonna tell you to have a little faith in us...in me. We spent seven months thinking we lost you forever and we got you back. I believe you being in London won't change our relationship. If you didn't already know, we love you... _I_ love you."

"I do have faith in you, you know that. But it's so much easier to forget someone living than someone dead...you don't feel guilty about it if they're alive."

"I could never forget you, Emily," he said seriously, his gaze boring intently into hers.

"Everyone forgets me," she insisted.

"I won't. I swear."

"Prove it," she challenged.

"I..." he stammered, not knowing how to respond. "Emily..."

"Please? Just for tonight. I need this..."

He brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face, fingers lingering on her flushed cheek. "Are you sure about this? I don't want it to be a mistake."

"Don't... I can't...analyze why this is happening or whether it's a good idea. I just need one night," he voice rasped past her lips like her throat was suddenly parched.

He nodded slowly, eyes darting over her face, taking in every bit of desperate seriousness in her expression. He leaned in to kiss her softly.

She shut her eyes as their lips met. "Thank you," she whispered as he pulled away, "I know this isn't what you wanted – _how_ you wanted – but maybe we can both be happy for one night."

The truth of the statement pinged around inside him, lodging somewhere inside his chest as he kissed her again, trying to stop the flow of her words before she said something that broke him.

With feather-light caresses along the back of his neck, she broke their lips apart again, seemingly unable to stop the tide of her thoughts, making him wonder if she hadn't had a few drinks before he'd showed up. "I wish I could be the person you need, the person you think I am."

"You are perfect to me."

"You have no idea how wrong you are," she argued, then silenced anything he might have said in response with her lips against his.

...

Derek woke up a few minutes before the alarm Emily had set the day before, using the early morning calm to memorize every detail about waking up in bed with her, cataloguing all the ways it matched up with his dreams – the warmth of the bare skin of her shoulders, the messy sheets, the puff of her heavy breathing making her stray hairs flutter – and all the ways it differed – her freezing cold toes pressed into his calves, Sergio glaring intently at him from his perch on the dresser, the way his heart clenched in his chest knowing she wasn't his forever.

He pressed a kiss to her shoulder blade, then reluctantly attempted to wake her. "Wake up, Em, you have to be at the airport."

With a groan and a yawn, she pressed her face further into her pillow in a way he tried (and failed) to convince himself wasn't the most endearing thing he'd ever seen. She rolled over when he brushed his fingers along a ticklish spot on her hip and smiled after a moment of trying to look grumpy. She tenderly stroked his cheek as her cloudy mind found words, "Thank you...for last night."

He took the risk of kissing her again. "You don't have to thank me, Em."

"I know I don't _have_ to," she insisted, "I just...I don't know... I'm really glad you did. It was perfect."

"It was perfect because _you_ are perfect."

"That's not true and you know it." She sat up, stretching long limbs haphazardly, one hand running through her hair and catching in all the sex-induced tangles.

"It's true, you just refused to believe it," he insisted. "I love you," he added quietly.

"Please don't say that," she replied just as softly.

It took him a moment, but eventually he nodded. He reached a hand around the back of her neck to pull her close enough to kiss her forehead.

She slid out of bed without bothering to hide her nakedness. "I was thinking that maybe you shouldn't take me to the airport," she informed him as if she were telling him it looked like rain outside.

"Why not?" he asked, watching her move about the room to gather the clothes discarded during last night's flurry of movement.

"I don't know," she shrugged, "That might make it harder. This was kind of the perfect way to say goodbye, you know?"

"Emily, I'm not saying goodbye to you," he insisted, standing and pulling on the boxer-briefs she'd flung in his direction. "I will be in London to see you."

"Derek, why are you doing this?" she asked, turning around and resting a hand on her hip, apparently forgetting that she still held his pants.

"Because I love you, Emily. And I am going to prove to you that I am not going to forget you. I know you don't want to be disappointed, so you keep me at a distance with your fear of commitment and your low expectations, but I'm not going to disappoint you."

"Why can't you just let things be? We had such a wonderful night together, why can't we just leave it at that?"

"Because I'm greedy." He crossed the room, grabbing the pants from her hand and tossing them on the floor again so he could hold her hands in his and keep her from retreating. "I want more than just one night with you. I want you for as long as I live."

"Derek, it's never going to work."

"We haven't even started anything and you're saying it'll fail. I thought you had faith in me..."

"I do," she insisted, not quite meeting his gaze for fear of what he might read in her eyes. "It's me that can't maintain a functioning human relationship with anyone ever."

"That's not true. I know you can. You trust me with your life when we're out in the field, I'm asking you to trust me with your heart now."

"It's too hard."

He sighed heavily, knowing that there was no way to change her mind if she didn't want it to be changed. "Go take a shower. I'll make you breakfast before we leave for the airport. I'm taking you there," he added before she could argue, seeing the thought on her face. He pressed a kiss to her lips before leaving the room, leaving her standing in the middle of the room looking lost.

...

The ride to the airport was decidedly sullen. Derek kept glancing over at her with sad eyes and heavy sighs and whenever the stopped at a red light, he seemed unable to keep himself from reaching across the centre console to squeeze her hand.

"I thought we agreed not to do this," Emily said eventually when the laden silence made her want to scream because she was so not good at this and there was a reason why she'd kept him at arm's length for so long.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to let you go yet. It's like that warehouse all over again..."

"Don't go there, please," she plead. She couldn't take about that – not with him, not now.

He nodded his agreement, but it was clear that he felt they should talk about it at some point. "If you need anything while you're in London, anything at all, even if it's just someone to talk to at two AM, you can call me. I'll answer. Any time."

"I know you would," she said, trying to force a smile, "I really wish you would stop being so stupidly perfect, always saying the right thing."

He shook his head, a small smile of fondness crossing his face briefly. "Thanks, I think." He pulled the car up to the curb outside the departure area. "There's still time not to go..." he said quietly.

"Derek, don't... You know I have to go."

"I know." She moved like she was reaching for the door handle, but he stopped her with a hand on her wrist. "Hey...take care of yourself."

She plastered on her signature confident smile. "I will. I'm a big tough girl, I tie my own sandals and everything." When he didn't comment, she added, "It's you I should be worried about. You'll never trust any new girl after me."

"I'm fine," he insisted, "I'm a big boy."

"Please, you might never trust a coworker again."

"Like I said, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me, Princess." He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"You're a dirty rotten liar," she countered, "You want me to worry about you."

"I like it when you worry about me," he admitted with a grin and a shrug.

She moved for the door again. "Okay, you really need to say goodbye before you start clinging to my ankle for dear life and making me drag you through the airport and declare you as carry-on."

He sighed and nodded. "Is it bad that I can't get the words out of my mouth?"

"If you don't, you're never going to forgive yourself."

"I love you and this isn't goodbye. It's more like see you later."

"We'll see."

He coaxed a kiss from her lips even as she tried to distance herself emotionally. "I love you. I don't want to lose you again. I know you don't think it can work, but I'm begging you...give me a chance to prove to you that it will."

"What do you want from me, Derek?"

"I want you to let me prove to you that I do love you and we are capable of surviving the distance."

"I've tried it before and it never works," she insisted.

"It will work this time because it's different, _we're_ different. I don't want to lose you again, Emily. Don't make me lose you. I'm begging you."

"Why? What makes this time so different?"

"I love you and I'm stubborn. I don't take no for an answer and I don't give up." He was aiming for self-assured confidence, but his expression fell somewhere closer to desperation.

"Maybe you don't, but this is so not my forte."

"It's okay," he insisted, "I believe in you."

"What exactly are you asking for?" she asked with a sigh of something like concession.

"This is going to sound silly, but I am asking you for a relationship."

"Long distance never works," she repeated.

"I don't know who you're basing this on, who broke your heart before I came along, but it wasn't me. Because if it was, it would've worked and we'd still be together because I am never gonna let you go. I won't lose you again. I love you too much to let that happen."

"Derek, I want to believe in you, but you're asking so much... I mean, our jobs leave us no time, we're on separate continents...how much of a relationship can you really have over Skype?"

"I will go see you in London. I spend half my life on a plane anyway. I'm asking you to believe in me when I say that I will make this work. I need you..."

"I do believe in you," she insisted, but her voice wavered.

"Then believe me when I say it will work. I let you go once and it almost broke me. If I let it happen again, I might not be able to get back up again."

"I... I don't know. I mean, I guess...we could try..."

The smile that lit up his face seemed to sear itself on her retinas. "It will work. I love you and I will make sure it works. I won't let you down."

"Just so we're clear, I said we can _try_ , but I am absolutely not making any promises."

"That's good enough for me, baby." He kissed the side of her head, keeping her pressed tight against his body.

"You understand that a week from now, we might be over?"

He shook his head as if it was the most foolish thing he'd ever heard. "I'm not losing you again."


End file.
